The Lost Scripts: "Assassination," by Alex Parkinson

In The Lost Scripts Series, Julian releases the scripts of some series episodes that went unproduced.


JULIAN and AMBASSADOR RAUL (40s), the Ecuadorian Ambassador to the UK and ten times the man Julian is, sit on the terrace drinking a whisky and smoking cigars. Raul smokes his cigar like a baby sucking on a pacifier. Julian coughs every time he takes a puff, but soldiers on to not seem like a wimp in front of Raul.

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The Hug Heard Around the World

What a joy it was yesterday to have a couple of visitors. I’m not even mad they were German – anything to not have to talk to my cat, Catstro. He has become severely depressed since his Twitter account was taken away and our conversation has turned very one sided. He used to love a fiery debate about SQL versus JavaScript, but now I can’t even get him to express an opinion about Python. And he’s completely stopped emptying his litter tray, which is causing great consternation among the Ecua-not-so-dorables-anymore.

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Alex Parkinson
They've Got Spies on the Inside!

I bloody told you! The FBI and the Ecuadorians are in it together, watching my every move. I can’t even get one off the wrist without them checking out the ol’ flesh drive - bunch of bloody perverts. You know, if Don wants tips on how to screw porn stars without having to make hush payments, he only needs to ask.

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A Message for Maria Butina - This Air Mattress Is Big Enough for Two

Maria Butina, I want you to know you’re my kinda girl: Russian, conservative, and meddlesome. Now that you’ve pleaded guilty, you’re gonna want to get the fuck out of America and I couldn’t recommend the Ecuadorian Embassy in London more. Come and join me!

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As A Secret Meeting Between Paul Manafort and Julian Assange Is Alleged, New Web Series Satirizes Wikileaks Founder’s Life in Asylum

A new web series is poking fun at the life of Wikileaks founder Julian Assange, who has been living in asylum at the Ecuadorian Embassy in London since 2012. The series is a biting political satire about the Australian, who famously published hacked emails from the Democratic National Committee in 2016 that showed the party leadership had worked to sabotage Bernie Sanders’ presidential campaign.

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Read My Lips: I'm Not Leaving - And Can I Get Some Deodorant?

Have you seen the latest news? They tried to make me leave the Embassy, but I told them: “No. Fucking. Way.” I didn’t get this little patch of Knightsbridge luxury at a bargain price to simply give it up because failing President Moreno wants to turn my room into a walk-in closet.

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