A Message for Maria Butina - This Air Mattress Is Big Enough for Two

Maria Butina, I want you to know you’re my kinda girl: Russian, conservative, and meddlesome. Now that you’ve pleaded guilty, you’re gonna want to get the fuck out of America and I couldn’t recommend the Ecuadorian Embassy in London more. Come and join me!

I already have a lovely treadmill, on which I run nude daily, and rumor has it a bidet is on the way. Granted, my single air mattress might be a little tight, but once you see my ghostly pale skin and stark white hair in person, you won’t want to sleep anywhere else.

Just think of all the fun we could have inviting Republicans over for secret meetings, then playing Russian Roulette with their guns. I’ve got your attention don’t I… I’ll leave the light on for you. Kisses.