You might have heard about this bullshit set of rules the Ecua-deplorables have imposed on me. Well, the idiots only gave them to me in Spanish, but I’ve finally got someone to translate them. In true heroic form, I’ve decided to leak them exclusively here.
Avoid activities that could be considered as political or interfering with the internal affairs of other states. That means you must stop swiping right on Theresa May
Stop ordering Ikea furniture just so you can smash it when you’re angry
Clean your bathroom. Seriously, you’re an adult. Why do we need to say this?
DON’T RUN FOR PRESIDENT
The Embassy staff are not here to play Dominoes with you. Not all Latin Americans play Dominoes
Look after your pet cat properly. Catstro is not a volleyball.
Obtain approval for all visitors from diplomatic staff three days in advance. This means
Internet use is for your personal computer or phone only. You are prohibited from using or installing unauthorized equipment, including flash drives with Black Mirror: Bandersnatch
Also, stop changing the wifi password to anagrams of Pamela Anderson – “anal promenade” is not funny
Do not train for Ecuadorian Dancing with the Stars in the embassy hallways
Do not enter Ecuadorian Dancing with the Stars
If you leave your room, you must wear pants
Thursday is not Slam Poetry Day
As you can see, these rules are a human rights violation. If Ecuador’s not careful, I will walk straight out of this embassy and this place will go back to being nothing more than the second country named after the equator. Don’t test me!