The Lost Scripts: "Assassination," by Alex Parkinson

In The Lost Scripts Series, Julian releases the scripts of some series episodes that went unproduced.

EXT. JULIAN’S BALCONY - DUSK

JULIAN and AMBASSADOR RAUL (40s), the Ecuadorian Ambassador to the UK and ten times the man Julian is, sit on the terrace drinking a whisky and smoking cigars. Raul smokes his cigar like a baby sucking on a pacifier. Julian coughs every time he takes a puff, but soldiers on to not seem like a wimp in front of Raul.

RAUL

Screw the Cubans. The best cigars in the world come from Ecuador.

JULIAN

(coughing)

I...concur.

RAUL

Have you smoked cigars long, Julian?

JULIAN

(really overwhelmed by coughing on this one)

Ever since I could breathe on my own!

RAUL

I value your opinion. There is a position in our DC Embassy. Do you think Cristina has what it takes to make it in America?

JULIAN

Well -

A shot rings out and a bullet hits the wall above their heads. The two of them look at each other startled and hustle to get inside, but Julian cannot open the door.

RAUL

You have to turn the handle up first and then -

JULIAN

(agitated)

It's my apartment. I know how to open the door.

RAUL

We had the locks imported from Ecuador. This is how they work - up first and then down.

Julian and Raul wrestle for the door.

JULIAN

It's not working.

RAUL

Let me do it!

Another shot rings out.

RAUL (CONT’D)

Hurry! They're trying to shoot me.

Another shot. They squat down.

JULIAN

(indignant)

They're after me, not you!

RAUL

Don't be ridiculous. I am the Ambassador!!

JULIAN

One click and the world's most powerful secrets are in the open.

RAUL

Why would they go after a hyena when a lion is for the taking?

JULIAN

There's a sniper in broad daylight? Clearly it's the Americans.

RAUL

This is the cunning of a Colombian.

JULIAN

Americans wouldn't know subtlety if it brushed up against their side boob in a subway car.

Julian doubles over coughing.

RAUL

Why would they send an assassin when a cigar can take you out?

JULIAN

Piss off! Ecuador's tobacco tastes like a whore's back end.

RAUL

Maybe it's time you found asylum somewhere else!

JULIAN

I'm sure Colombia knows how to treat a stable genius.

RAUL

They are next door. Why don't you hop over the little fence and go?

A bullet strikes Raul. He collapses. Julian looks around and motions out to the street.

JULIAN

You missed, you idiots! Come and get me!! If this is how I go then so be it. Let me be a martyr for

freedom.

He holds his arms wide, head back, Jesus style, as he awaits a shot that never comes.

JULIAN (CONT’D)

Seriously? That fucking guy?

He knocks on the door.

JULIAN (CONT’D)

Cristina! I locked myself out again!

RAUL

Julian, help me.

JULIAN

And we have a little problem.

FADE TO BLACK.