The Lost Scripts: "Catstro," by Will Amato

INT. JULIAN’S APARTMENT - DAY

JULIAN is alone in his apartment, in his underwear, talking to his new cat, CATSTRO.

JULIAN
Who’s my good kitty? You are cute little fuzzball.
I won’t be so lonely with you around. I love my sweet kitty kitty.
Now, let’s toss around ideas on how to destroy Sweden.

CRISTINA knocks at the door.

CRISTINA
Knock knock Mr. Julian! I’m coming in now. Put your clothes on.

JULIAN
I need a minute!

Julian frantically stumbles about putting on his bathrobe and looking for a place to hide his cat.

JULIAN
(to the cat)
I never get a moment’s peace around here, cute cuddly kitty cat.

Cristina enters. Julian stashes the cat somewhere awkward just in the knick of time. Probably a trash can.

CRISTINA
Good morning Julian.

Cristina sneezes violently. Julian is startled.

JULIAN
Unsanitary. Take a tissue.

CRISTINA
Thank you. Who were you talking to before I walked in?

JULIAN
No one. I’m here all alone. All by my
lonesome. Me myself and I.

CRISTINA
Whatever. We need to work on your next appeal. It is my job to get you out of here.
Cristina sneezes again.

JULIAN
Cover yourself Cristina. I can’t afford to get sick.

CRISTINA
You are incorrigible. I smell something strange.

JULIAN
It’s my hot pot. I was cooking ramen just before.

CRISTINA
No, not Ramen. It smells sour and sickly. Did you shower this week?

JULIAN
I showered on Monday.

CRISTINA
It’s already Friday. Jesus Julian. I’ve gotten
complaints from every department. Your odor
is lowering moral.

JULIAN
I need to reschedule this meeting. I’m
involved in some very important Wikibusiness.

CRISTINA
You never cancel our legal meetings. What are you up to?

JULIAN
Nothing out of the ordinary. I’m just busy.

CRISTINA
Tell me the truth or I’ll take away your
internet for a whole week!

JULIAN
No! Anything but that. My image as an
international mastermind rests on my ability
to tweet all night long. I’ll be ruined.

CRISTINA
I will cut your Ethernet cable right now!

Cristina takes out a pair of scissors.

JULIAN
All right! I have a kitty cat!

CRISTINA
I knew it! Where is it? We have a strict no
animal policy at the Ecuadorian Embassy.

JULIAN
That doesn’t stop all of the rats.

CRISTINA
Show me the cat Julian.

JULIAN
He’s a bit shy. Come on out little fella.

Julian reaches into the trash can and reveals Catstro.

CRISTINA
Julian. That’s not a real cat. It’s a toy.

JULIAN
Bite your tongue. Catstro is my best friend.

CRISTINA
Also, it’s weird to name your cat after a communist dictator.

JULIAN
The name is not in stone. How about Pussolini?

CRISTINA
You are offensive.

JULIAN
Cat Jong Un?

CRISTINA
I hate my life.

JULIAN
Lighten up Cristina. Catstro and I have work to do.

CRISTINA
I’m leaving now Julian. Take a shower.

JULIAN
I thought you wanted to work on my court case.

CRISTINA
I do. Alone. Because I’ve decided to file an
appeal on the grounds of mental instability.

Christina leaves. Julian begins talking to his cat.

JULIAN
She’ll be sorry Catstro! You and I are going
to bring down the Swedish Government! Just
wait and see! Give me a kiss sweet pretty kitty.

Cristina reenters with a bucket of water and dumps it on Julian’s head.

JULIAN
How dare you! This water smells like lavender.

CRISTINA
Yeah, I added some hand soap from the
bathroom. Now you’ve had a shower.

BLACKOUT.