I Have A Valid Passport. Now, Where Is It?

I’m delighted that Australia has decided to recognize the legitimacy of my citizenship with a valid passport. I just wish I could find the fucking thing. I know it’s in this room somewhere - I used it when I checked in six and a half years ago, but it must have dropped behind the sofa or something when I was Marie Kondo-ing this place.

Fuck, I hope I didn’t throw it out in a fit of realization that Australian citizenship no longer sparks joy!! I take it back! I’m delighted to be Australian. Really!! Beaches and barbies and cricket and footy. I love all that shit. The whole Ecuadorian citizenship thing was just an experiment, I swear. I was confused and they wrapped their loving embassy arms around me. It felt so… comforting.

But seriously, did any of my visitors pick up the wrong passport last time they were here? I bet it was that fucking Colombian VP. That guy got so wasted that night.

Alex Parkinson